Tuesday, August 31

diagnosis: headcase

(it's true, sometimes Henry likes to pretend he is a bunny)

Part of the reason I cancelled all my meetings this week is that on Saturday I did not feel at all well.  Or, to be more precise, I felt like someone had come and sucked all the blood and marrow out of my bones and all I could do was collapse in a corner like a bundle of sticks.

But I couldn't tell anyone that.

Why?  Because I am so fuh-reak-ing (emphasis on the FREAK part) analytical and, wait for it, so "self-aware" that I intuited that my exhaustion was emotional and therefore contemptible.  I mean really-- had I not just spent a week at the lake with my family in some modicum of a holiday?  And sure, I knew in my heart that it really wasn't much of a holiday at all what with me working and my sister-in-law being a total pill (see how I slid that in there and no one will ever see it) and it raining hard for four days straight-- but the truth was, I felt like it should have been a holiday and my weak state on Sunday was simply a matter of unexpressed anger or annoyance or disappointment or something like that.

Despite the fact that I kept dialing out from 0 to 60-- one minute I'm walking the dogs, frolicking in the pond-- feeling fine-- the next minute I am on all fours crawling to bed and unconscious before I hit the pillow-- at 1:30 in the middle of the afternoon!--- I kept trying to analyze what this is about.

Am I depressed, I wonder.  Is it stress?  Anxiety?

Honest to god, it wasn't until I was on the phone with Peg this afternoon and waffling about a commitment to work this Sunday when I finally let it slip out that I wasn't feeling so hot.  Kind of a weird thing-- just up and down-- can't eat anything but toast, desperate need to sleep every two hours or so.  I was so embarrassed to admit this as I hadn't yet diagnosed it-- was it depression?  anxiety?  stress?  When Peg said, "oh Elizabeth, it sounds like what I had a couple of weeks ago."

And I remembered seeing Peg after she had had this weird virus for about 10 days and she looked like HELL and I sent her home and she was all like, "but I'm so much better than I was."  And I was all like, "you look like death on a stick, go home now."

She reeled off the symptoms and it was exactly what I have been feeling for the past four days.  This weird energy sap with a bit of stomach ache and headache as a side dish.

And you know what?  I felt immediately BETTER.  I felt so much relief.  I'm sick.  I have a virus.  I'm not a bad person with an emotional disorder---  ha ha ha ha HA.

I'm sorry, but I am laughing my ass off over here on the other side of the computer.

Could anyone be more weird?  Okay, except for Henry, of course.

So I got myself some diet pepsi which I am drinking on the rocks to try and move that little bugger out of my system and I just made linguini and loaded it with fresh garlic I had bought at the farmer's market on Saturday-- and ate it with a toasted slice of ciabatta slathered in more melted butter and garlic.

Garlic to clean out my blood-- get that damn virus gone.  But man oh man-- it never occurred to me-- NEVER, not once, occurred to me that I could actually be sick.

Hilarious-- but also?  Kinda sad.


  1. Well, I'm glad you're sick. Wait, that sounds all wrong! And sometimes being all emotionally drained can make fighting off a cold or a virus much more difficult. I wish you ALL good healing things...seriously, treat yourself gently. I know it's hard, being a one-woman-empire, but take those naps and fill yourself up with goodness. Sending you serious love. Like, kisses in an envelope. Plus, I have a super strong immune system, so you WANT my germs, baby!

  2. Not really so sad ... I had something similar and I really felt like I might die of something but was unclear as to what - head wasn't good, nothing was good.

    I couldn't find my eyebrow lady's phone number anywhere, so couldn't cancel and thought 'ho hum, I'd probably prefer to die in company ...' but I mean I could breathe and everything but felt really odd and exhausted and in pain, kind of.
    So I flopped into her chair, ended up telling her and she said she had gone home with it a few days before ... although it sounds milder than yours but that it just this really weird thing that I didn't initially identify as virus.

    Well ... then I got a summer cold almost straight after, guests, and my extremely extended family surged in ... kids, stepkids, grandkid too, friend from Berlin, cousin from Dubai and I kept going because by then I had had the cold long enough and I decided it was done.

    They left and I got to the tram after dropping the last one off at the train station and voila, I had a fever by the time I reached the tram stop, 5 minutes away.

    The moral of the story, continue with what you are doing, look after yourself and listen to your body. Get well soon :-)

    Hmmm, I can't use any of the post comment options to link back to my site but I'm over at http://www.dimackeyphotography.com, with a blog, should you ever feel like calling by. There's no option I can use on the comment section other than old deactivated google account. I'll see if I can fix it today.

  3. Look after yourself.

    And let me sound like a mom (oh horror!) and say:

    Let that be a lesson to you. STOP beating yourself up all the time. Be good to yourself. You do deserve that you know (being good to yourself I mean). Even if it was emotional exhaustion, that is just as valid as a virus.

    PS: Henry makes a wonderful bunny!

  4. my gott, it sounds tooooo familiar.

    love and sympathy to you.

  5. all i can think is...why? i mean i get it...but you don't ever say why...you just say that you feel better that you're "physicall sick"

    why is it not ok that you might have needed some downtime because you've been on a hella rollercoaster the past few months? why can't it be that you are just simply emotionally tired, or that your emotional immunity has suffered and you got some sort of emotional-body sad/tired virus...why wouldn't that be ok too? why do we have to be physically sick to accept and give our selves permission to rest?

    not to mention the deeeeeeep, deep connection between our outer physical body and our inner world. hello virus = wake up call.

    i know you know this...i just wish you'd give yourself the love you give to us....if i said any of this to you - you'd say "oh bunny! go REST"

    so hear me now, sister!

  6. WE don't GET sick. Yeah, I know that one. We're above sickness. At least you didn't have a sick daughter a week before that you wanted to whap for whining about your sore throat until she gave it to you and you realized how much sympathy you should have been expressing. :P Henry IS a bunny.

  7. Oh, no. I am late in my get well wishes... I hope you are feeling much better by now. And giving yourself all of the rest and TLC that you give the rest of us.

    ps. I love Henry.

  8. woman, i love you. thanks for leading me back here today.


thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me-- I love that you stopped by and hope something I shared was what you needed today. xo, e