Sometimes I wonder what it would take for me to relax. Truly, completely relax.
Last night I had a dream where this woman had arranged to have an art-making party at my house and all these people began arriving (that I didn't know) but it was all friendly and warm and nice, but I kept worrying because I didn't know what was planned for food, or where we would set up the classes. The woman (who I didn't know) that had come up with this idea arrived. She was totally relaxed-- had everything dialed in to the nth degree and so I began to think-- oh, what was I worried about until the moment when she looked up at me and said, "do you have the paint palettes prepared for each student?"
Um, no. She proceeds to read me the riot act as this was my ONE task and I failed.
Blah--- good thing I had all three dogs in my dream (they were on the floor playing a game of Stratego. I know, hella smart dogs).
Anyway-- so I woke up to the sound of heavy rain and boats sloshing against the docks. I am down at RDC for the week with my brother and his family. This was a holiday we arranged last February. Of course, given how my heart and mind was run through a meat grinder last week, it turns out to be a bit emotionally challenging for me to be here while the brombies are up at Soliden. And this annoys me to no end and brings to the fore the question of the day for me: when am I ever going to simply BE? Fully be in the moment and not stressing about adjusting, modifying or otherwise focused on changing the current moment to encompass more than what it does?
I can't believe how much I crave rhythm and routine. It is the cornerstone of all my fantasies. Oh my GOD-- I must be older than old. But, if I step back a bit-- it does make some sense. If, like me, you don't enjoy chaos and rapid change and whole weeks of uncertainty-- then a rabid desire for consistency and simplicity could be a normal response.
(Evie reading to Alexander early this morning)
It is all in my FREAKING head. All of this. I'm gonna figure it out. I'm gonna make peace with the moment. I am going to find a way to release the second and third tiers of thought cycles that loop incessantly and pull me out of this moment.
There's definitely a piece that is all about planning/strategic thinking (hence the dream elements above)-- which is tied to a desire for control -- to anticipate what is coming down the pike and to be prepared for it. Or, worse, try to manipulate what is coming down the pike and force it to be what I think it should be.
My practice has to be all about trust. Stepping aside, allowing everything to unfold and be present as it does.
Of course, that is a million times easier to write than do as to be truly open means to be grounded in pure trust. And that would mean releasing postures of fear, defensive behaviors and all pretense of control.
And is that even possible? I mean, without first sustaining a head injury . . .. which, in fact, I did Saturday night so maybe this whole post is the rambling of a woman with an egg-shaped lump on the side of her head.
It was a pretty good fall and certainly merits a Monty Python skit.
Evie (my sister-in-law) and I were looking for the bathroom in the cabin. I found the door, opened it, proceeded to reach to the ceiling for the string hanging down to pull on the light-- but I did not conserve my motions to a thoughtful sequence and at that very same moment (instead of waiting to first have the bathroom illuminated) I stepped in.
Because there is a six-inch riser at the entry to the bathroom (these old cottages are nothing if not quirky), I caught my foot at the face of the riser, my right arm was stretched high to the ceiling while my body crashed forward allowing the side of my head to slam onto the toilet seat that was open and waiting to greet me.
I lay there thinking I had broken my neck. Fortunately for me, Evie is an emergency room doctor (I know! She goes to work and hangs with George Clooney) so she was able to calmly tell me that was the freaking funniest thing she had ever seen and to get up already.
But my head still hurts and I blame the inanity of this post on it entirely.