Sunday, September 26

burning bright

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As much as I love that photo of Thea and me on the previous post (and I do), all I can think when I see it is, my god! does that girl on the right need a hot oil treatment, or what. 

Seriously. 

Pretty much sums me up in general, though.

I got dehydrated during SAW and it really knocked me out last week.  Normally, I drink about 2 bottles of water an hour during SAW-- I know, crazy, right?  But I do.  I can put back half a bottle in one sip--- it's a very weird time for me physically, but I have learned to drink water pretty much constantly.  It's not that I am doing so much physically, but somehow I am giving off an enormous amount of energy and I need about ten times the amount of water I would regularly consume on a regular day.

This has never been a problem for me, except this past session, I lost track of the bottle and then shrugged it off and by Saturday realized I was dehydrated in a major way and it was too late to fix-- blah.
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On the bright side, it puts me in complete alignment with the trees all around me as there as been nothing but sunshine all summer so the poor babes are turning leaf about three weeks early.   The ground is parched (hence the reason my well went dry-- which, in case you are concerned-- is all fine and was back on line the same day) and the scarlet - persimmon - gold lamplight is lit.
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It was another amazing gathering--  quite honestly, the best ever, but I can't help but to laugh as people send me the most loving emails that repeat the same two wishes over and over:  "I hope you are resting and basking  . . ."

Uh, yeah-- not so much.  The week after a SAW session is actually the hardest time for me.  It is a huge clean-up aftermath-- and add to that a truck and carload of boxes to UPS and the post office.  (How many boxes?  I don't know-- but I know the total shipping was over $800 . .so let's just say, a lot).  It's schlep, schelp, schelp -- all the while I have to keep my head screwed on straight enough to write 22 or so checks of some whopping figures and let's just say, add in a bit of dehydration and the only rest we're doing is the faceplant-into-your-supper-kind of rest.

As for basking, alas-- that is not mine to have.  You see, I don't have the experience everyone else has.  I am a witness to it, but there's a plate glass window between me and what I am observing.  Instead of basking, what follows for me a sucking vacuum--- and I hold my ground in the face of the screaming winds trying to pull me backwards, but it is a time where insecurities and fears can swirl and pummel around me.  I know enough to simply watch them and not feed them-- but it's like that 2am demon time-- you know?  When you're lying in bed and everything seems awful but then when the morning comes you realize it was just your vulnerability to the 2am demons due to exhaustion, etc.

For me, SAW is a time of over-exposure.  I have to be on stage.  I have to make announcements at pretty much every meal.  I am a focal point-- that's my role.  But for this introvert, it can send me running for cover and a need to get very quiet and very still.  Which I am trying to do-- but it wasn't last week.
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Don't misunderstand.  I am nobody's martyr, nobody's saint.  I am simply trying to keep it real-- which is why I have this site.  I like to come and spill and chat and share with you all how it truly feels.  Not how it looks like it feels, or should feel, etc-- 

Where I will get my comfort is in a few months-- when I can come back to this page and read slowly, read carefully, savor what people have shared.  Then, is when it will be able to become real for me.  Then, is when I will be able to see what was wrought.  And that is what gives me the momentum to launch a whole new year for 2011.  Because right now?  If someone gave me a gas card and the keys to a VW Westfalia-- I would be so gone.  Perhaps not surfacing for years.

Today is all about cleaning-- my apartment is a tip, which is a lovely, British way of saying floors covered in dog hair, sand and dirt.

I know there has been a dearth of brombie photos--- I shall remedy that forthwith.  Meantime, a new season has begun.   Are you ready for it?  I am not.  I want endless Summer.  I've never had seasonal affective disorder, but my god, I am clinging to summer with both hands.  If there were a way for me to have a sumer residence here and a winter residence elsewhere where it is warm and sunny-- oh me oh my-oh.

Would it be so.
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Bisous, E

11 comments:

  1. tears sting my eyes as i read your post and feel a great tenderness for your honesty and ability to let everything be just what it is.

    when you read this months from now just know that you sent us home full.
    really full.

    if karma exists you should soon bask in the most unbelievable beauty. i wish it for you.

    xo

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  2. I cannot imagine all the work that must done once we all leave SAW. I am sending you energy filled with love, peace and light. Thank you.... it was an amazing time and a week later my blog posts are still about SAW.

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  3. I cannot fathom how draining it must be. Seriously, I can just see the energy you must exert - imagine it pulsing off you - and imagine it does take some time to charge up your batteries again. It's probably something quite like throwing a wedding, except it lasts much longer than one day!

    That said, today I got all teary-eyed, thinking that my own Squam experience is just WEEKS away. Thinking of finally, finally hugging YOU is what makes me spill over. I can't wait.

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  4. Beautiful words. Beautiful.

    And we still have at least another month of summer HERE...just sayin'.

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  5. Beautiful photographs. You do provide lovely place for me to bring my dehydrated soul for a rest. Take good care of yourself.
    x

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  6. I love how you share your truth, and feeling how you do it is even more amazing how you seem so tuned in to others during that time. My wish for you is that when you are able you can just be with yourself and your pups and restore what has been depleted.. sending you healing wishes.

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  7. It's lovely that this blog is a place where you feel free to be yourself. You need that! And I find myself wishing, especially when I see your photos, that I had a SPRING home and a FALL home. Aaaah, the trees! XO

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  8. I love you blog. And I love you too. Hope the rest finds you (and NOT in a faceplant into dinner). Your photos are so beautiful....ahhh.

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  9. I love you my friend. Keep observing, keep observing.

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  10. I love you xoxox and you have captured the beauty of your surroundings so beautifully. So glad

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  11. Funny. When I saw that photo of you I smiled because you looked content. Didn't even notice the hair. Isn't it funny what we see of ourselves versus what the world notices?

    My orders: BASK, DARN IT. :)

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thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me-- I love that you stopped by and hope something I shared was what you needed today. xo, e