Sunday, October 31

sliding into home

This might seem like it's all about me-- but the only reason I can share the below is because I know, it is all about you. And, if only one person truly receives what I have written below-- that a genuine spark of I made the connection illumination crosses their brow like Helen Keller with her hand under the well spout-- then all this over-exposure will be worth it.
elizabeth 640 by Thea
portrait of me by THEA COUGHLIN

Who knew a 13-hour drive could be sweet, nay easy? But it was.

Tuesday morning I left Michelle's (after standing in her drive, tears rolling down my face as we held hands and sang a schoolyard chant we both knew from our New England childhoods<-- I KNOW, how queer are we, right?) and was on the road home by noon.  The sky was clear, fabulous cd mixes (gifted to me by Jen Gray and MaryBeth Shaw) looped on repeat -- my only sadness was the count of animals (26) and birds (9) that had been killed and lay crumpled at the roadside.

I arrived at my family's doorstep (how flippin' convenient--> my parents live next door to my sister and niece) just as the sky darkened and my eyes began to blur.  We had an evening of genuine connection and truth-telling (which, for any of you longtime bluepoppy readers out there, will be QUITE the surprise, no? but hey, I am changing and so is the world around me) as it was the first time we had seen or spoken to each other since they learned that David and I had divorced.

Then I was on the road 4:30 am the next morning as ahead of me was the Pennsylvania turnpike followed by the New Jersey turnpike followed by NYC . . . um, yeah-- not a place I wanted to have my morning coffee.  So I boogied and was off the George Washington bridge and crossing into Connecticut just as the clock flipped to 7 am.  Sweet.

From there-- an easy slide up across Massachusetts into Vermont and across to New Hampshire.  It was a true surprise to see that the leaves were still on the trees and to register just how damn gorgeous it is in the fall.  I absolutely take it for granted and it was a good thing for me to get away so I could begin appreciating the beauty that is here.
elizabeth-640-by-Thea6
photo by Thea Coughlin

Although, let it be said, nine days of full-out sunshine on my most favorite beach with temperatures from 72-75 was heaven.  Heaven.

So, why all the photos of myself here today?

elizabeth 640 by Thea2
portrait of me by THEA COUGHLIN
 

Well, cause the shift has occurred. And damn, if my phone hasn't been ringing all morning so that I have totally lost the thread of this post (plus, blogger? sometimes you are helpful but you can kinda suck, too).

What I want to say may offend those who hold beliefs that counter my truth. For this I am sorry. I do not mean to offend. I honor your truth, as I honor mine.

For me, the second coming is not about some singular, charismatic figure saving us all.
For me, the second coming will be when each of us allows our full light to shine forth and, as we do this, we bring light to each spirit around us and allow them to connect with their light, too. I see this happening now. I see it happening through blogs as women share glimpses of their quotidian life-- through words, through photographs. I see women creating in such gorgeous ways-- knitting, cooking, raising children, making a home, decorating their apartments, writing poetry, taking photographs-- and sharing it in their blogs, on their websites.

The more creativity, the more love.
The more love, the more light.
The more light, the better able we are to see and experience our souls, our true selves.

So yeah, probably lost quite a few of you up there.

Oh well.

This is my truth.

That gash was a harbinger of change.  From that moment on, I stopped harshing on myself.  I began, instead, offering myself acknowledgement of my beauty, appreciation for my gifts, and a truckload of compassion for my blessed imperfection.

I headed down to OBX with a stomach of apprehension.  For the first time ever, I was launching a SAW session when I was not on top of my game.  Worse, I was operating at about 40% capacity.  I was deeply fatigued, not just physically, but on the spirit level.  I questioned everything I was doing, questioned everything I had set into motion.  I did not know how on earth I was going to manage a brand-new session where part of the gig was feeding 40 people three meals a day for four days.

Here's where it gets magical:  Michelle.


michelle: Sea Mermaid Yogi Goddess

photo by Arabella Crawford

We spent four mornings together before the session began and all I know is that she. heals. me.

And then-- the session itself!  The gathering of the most powerful spirits and collectively, through individual conversations, through walks on the beach, through dancing wildly on tabletops-- I was brought back to myself.  Or, rather, my soul finally had the space to step into me (because these conversations and connections helped me shed, once and for all, blocks that kept my light from shining).

(Oh well, I just tried to share the group photo here but it is protected-- so you will have to go to the flickr site if you want to see it.  Why are we laughing so hard?  Milo, that little black and white furball of love was racing around us and then DIVE-bombing onto me-- but we never knew when.  Sort of like duck duck goose-- he'd circle and circle and we'd tense up ready for his leap but he'd keep going and then, when were least expecting it-- FLYING DOG in your face.

And so I guess that is the recipe for my joy:  a warm beach, great friends, good food and flying dog in your face.

But the most interesting bit to me in all of this is-- only a day or so ago, these photos from Thea arrived in the mail. She had taken them last September during the SAW session.  I was beautiful then.  These are photos of me then.  But I couldn't see it THEN and so thought it didn't exist.  Isn't that funny?

And that's what I want to say to you.  Wherever in your life you think you are not enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not talented enough, not kind enough, not good enough-- I am here to tell you that you are.  You are enough RIGHT NOW.  And if you can't see it, it's simply a belief/attitude you need to chuck.  Cause once you do?

Baby, the party is ON.


elizabeth 640 by Thea4
photo by Thea Coughlin

28 comments:

  1. YES, YES, YES...a thousand times YES! Loving and missing you. Looking forward to some more soul filling conversations!

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  2. oh jesus. what a post. what a gift. no way i can find words now. but my god, woman. that last photo of you just knocked me off my chair.

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  3. reading this with tears rolling down face
    exactly what I needed to hear in this time and space
    souls sharing, creating, shining their light
    nothing wrong with that, nothing but right

    Big Hugs!
    Karen D

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  4. Tear are here too. You know I joined the blogging community because of you, right? (It has been almost one year.) No matter how many times I hear this, it seems like the first time. I am continually feeling like I am not enough. Because I have not stepped into being. I don't know when or IF I will ever have the courage that you have, but I will keep striving. It makes me so happy that your time on the beach was so powerful. I hope to hear more about it.

    xo!

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  5. Elizabeth what more can i say...you amaze me. Thank you for sharing this and being you! I agree with Amy that last photo of you blew me away. You shine my friend. Shine!

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  6. Holy sexy woman moly!

    It's so hard...so hard!...for me to believe (but I do believe you, I am remembering our conversation) that you have struggled with loving yourself. With giving yourself major grace. Your inner beauty and worthiness and just all-out amazingness has been apparent to me since I first 'met' you. It's there. I am just so happy you are in a good place...and I simply pray that you reap the goodness that you have brought to all of us by persisting. Your purpose on this planet...doesn't it blow you away? Art saves lives, right? And it does. Music. Paint on a brush. A camera in the hands of a woman. Maybe even tea and a piece of chocolate and a quiet voice. All that creative fire and power and you've got quite the crackling fire.

    The image of you dancing on that table...will stay with me forever. One of my top ten favorite life moments. I love you so much.

    And I am so so glad the people you have brought into our sweet community (Megsie, I'm looking at you.) My life is so much richer and deeper than I could have ever dreamed, knowing women from all over the globe.

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  7. Tears here as well, thank you Elizabeth -art saves lives and so do you. Your words are so timely.
    Love you!

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  8. Remember what I said about you being intense and how that's a good thing? That last photo... intense. stunning. And the post... Well I just may read it a hundred more times. Thank you for being you.

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  9. Oh woman you crack me open and the truth you are, you share, you speak, you create just showers me with so much light and love. You are beautiful and wonderful and as you see yourself, and share it so openly an generously it helps me to do the same. Thank you for this most lovely of sharing. I love you deeply and madly.xoxo

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  10. Thank you, Elizabeth!I feel your words deeply. I'm so grateful for the time i spent with you and the amazing community you brought together. You speak my language, woman. Thank you for translating what's in my heart into words. Much love, Dawn

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  11. Babe. It's like the planets have aligned and the sky has opened up, pouring rays of sunshine right on top of your gorgeous little head. The connection... I felt it - and I GOT it.
    -No, you didn't lose me. I am sitting here saying *yes* you mystic vixen, *yes* you know it now, too. And it is too much to take in and so very, very overwhelming to comprehend ... but damn, it feels right, and natural, and FREEING. It's almost as if I don't know what to do yet with all of this new energy.
    I hear you, girl. I'm totally holding on to this feeling for you - and with you.
    Don't forget it. Don't lose it. Just pass it on to the women who find themselves crossing paths with you - because only we can help save each other.

    *partying with you love. i already knew you were beautiful before the photos were taken, inside & out. xxoo B

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  12. Elizabeth, oh dear good incredibly wonderful Elizabeth. Tears. Thank you for sending out a rush of light and truth. I feel fizzy inside after reading your post. Sustain the love. That is our job here. Thank you thank you love you love you. xoxoxoxoxoxxo to infinity

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  13. LOVE to you, woman! This is so true, so right and you saying it put it out there for all of us reading it - imagine the POWER of us all now accepting this. xxx

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  14. p.s. We have the same wristwarmers - I thought it was important you knew this.

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  15. You are such a gift to this world-- you. heal. me. :) Thank you!

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  16. it is so dang easy to love you.... and oh how i love these photos of you and oh how i love getting to have you in my life.... xo

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  17. p.p.s. I just emailed you on your BP email - hope it still exists!

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  18. welcome to the Beauty and Spirit you've allowed us to find with all the SAW's you've tirelessly planned...

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  19. you are an amazing woman who everyone is grateful to have in their lives ~ beautiful, wonderful, truth telling YOU! xoxoxo

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  20. It worked. (Also, esp. last photo: you are totally cussin' hot.)

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  21. I don't think I've ever read a post that resonated so hard at a more appropriate moment. I'm speechless with the serendipity & the wonder of you. I have been doing such heavy lifting around these issues of image and beauty since my divorce and I think a big part of attending Squam by the Sea was for me to start allowing myself to be seen again. It was magical there for me as well to have others hold & support my unfolding. Perhaps this common thread (oh, hell yeah, she knows what *this* feels like) is why there was such a zap of instant quiet acknowledgement when I met you! Thank you, thank you for all that you do & share.
    Love, love, love,
    Delia

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  22. You are so beautiful. SO freaking beautiful in every way.

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  23. dude, i'm just cooking up the appetizers for my party. and damn if i don't feel everything you speak of. i do suggest that we merge our parties into a full blown RAVE sometime sooner than later, eh?
    big beautiful love to you.

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  24. oh dear elizabeth. how grateful I am to have you in my life. You are amazing. This is such a beautiful post. It brought tears to my eyes. This spoke deeply to my heart. Reminding me that I am enough and just need to let my light shine.

    xoxox

    Jennifer

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  25. I couldn't be happier than to have read this post - so full of all that I needed to hear, see, feel.

    Thank you.

    And I may, just may have managed to get this thing to work too (though still from the "wrong" browser)

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  26. I thoroughly enjoyed reading about Kendra's early life as a stripper, the experiences building up towards her move into the mansion and how she met Hank. sliding doors Melbourne

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thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me-- I love that you stopped by and hope something I shared was what you needed today. xo, e