Thursday, January 6

wherein I whine

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photo taken yesterday morning

And here it is, the post-launch crash.

Why don't I simply put it on the calendar and plan for it, hmm? Why must I always be surprised by this empty gas tank instead of planning for it?

Who knows. All I know is yesterday was gorgeous. Simply flat-out spectacular. I had to drive down past the lake at about 3:30 and it just happened to be the most exquisite sunset I can ever remember seeing-- just a BLASTING of orange and yellow light across the surface of the frozen water which made it pink. Of course I didn't have my camera with me because I was running a stupid errand and was in a stupid headspace (see above: crash zone) so all I could do was slow the car down, pull along side the edge of the lake and breathe it in.

Honestly, I have lived here twenty years and it was one of the most incredible sunsets I have ever seen.

It was definitely the highlight of my day.

The thing is, when the crash comes in, there is no drama and excitement to it like you might imagine in a movie or television show. I don't plunge headfirst into the sofa or head to local pub and drink til someone has to drive me home. No, there's nothing, that's the thing.

I wake up, beauty all around me-- I get the day started-- yesterday I happened to have a date with two friends (Hi Jen! hi Ally!) at Mocha Rizing* for coffee and knitting--- but when I got home around 10 am, that's when it all began to unravel.

For me, the crash is that I can't sleep, I can't read, I can't cook, I can't do anything. It's like my battery just stops and there I am halfway across the room, mid-stride, and I need someone to come along and hook me up to the charger. Tin man, reaching for the oil can.

It sucks.

And it is so freaking predictable. It ALWAYS happens after a big creative push on ANY project I EVER do and I am hoping (hoping hoping hoping) that by writing this all out, my brain will record this and freaking PLAN for it next time so I won't have to go through this again.

Honestly, when I say I am frozen and can't do anything, breathing is the big challenge. Everything is an effort and it annoys me to no end.

Oh hell-- I should just shut up because I was about to say it feels like being paralyzed by exhaustion when in the next moment I realized the horror of actually being paralyzed and how I don't have the first inkling of true hell and holy god I need to SHUT UP.

Okay then.

To reiterate: I'm tired. Wah. Wah. Wah.

I think that about sums it up.


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Bisous, E

*P.S. Mocha Rizing is FOR SALE. So, if you know anyone who would love a fabulous coffee/art shop with a most beautiful apartment above it in a sweet little NH town-- please DO pass the word on all your twitters and facebooks and stuff.

9 comments:

  1. Oh, I HATE being so tired you can't sleep. I hope *someone* can re-charge you tout suite. If I were you, I would put it on the calendar for real. And book a massage (or a week of massages) and anything else that helps for THIS week next year. By the way, I have read through EVERY class that is being offered this year: You: Are: Amazing. I did NOT win the MEGA LOTTO or whatever it was, so I will be looking through my journal and pretending again. SOME DAY Elizabeth, I will get there. I hope.

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  2. feel free to whine, and you don't need to feel bad, or compare pains. this is your space...whine away!

    i am kinda heartbroken at the thought of Mocha Rizing possibly being bought and changed, or even worse, done away with. it is the perfect little coffee shop- every time i go there, i adore it. i do hope it remains.

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  3. rest, rest, rest...bask in rest...

    (ahem, i so want mocha rizing... )

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  4. whine away, this is your space. I so know that creative crash, I have been trying to recover from my 2010 one still ;-)
    Breathe in that sunset baby, it's beautiful

    Hugs
    Karen D

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  5. like moving (swimming?) through wet cement...

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  6. Post-project let-down...ah, you're singing my song! I second Megsie's massage suggestion :)

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  7. Hey, you're entitled to a whine, and to just sit there staring into space if that's what it takes... Go for it.

    - Jazz

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  8. You mean other people crash too? With no outward signs, other than general listlessness? Thanks for sharing... maybe now I'll start marking it on *my* calendar, and not get caught by such ridiculous surprise each time.

    At the very least, the next instance will be followed by recognition, which always helps. Thanks.

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  9. wherein I comfort:

    *pat, pat, pat* It's okay, everything will get better soon. *hug+rub, rub your pretty back* You did such an awesome job! I'm so happy and excited for you! (and for me, because now I am looking forward to yummy yums) *take you by the shoulders and look you in the eyes* I LOVE you! You rock!!

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thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me-- I love that you stopped by and hope something I shared was what you needed today. xo, e