Monday, August 29

after the storm

IMG_2536

For the record, I am often plagued by an irrational, voracious, horrible gut-churning sensation that whatever I do, it's not enough-- whoever I am, it's not enough--

Trust me, I am far enough along the path to know how pointless such feelings are-- how baseless and destructive they can be-- but all that 'knowing' doesn't do jack-all to release the feelings that are as deeply embedded in my gut as any awful virus can be.

This is the life of a manic-depressive, bi-polar, emotional dervish-- whatever your label of choice may be. There is no escaping its circular visitation---

As most of you know, I have spent my adult life figuring out the jedi-knight moves to inoculate myself against this genetic gift from above-- and if there is one thing in my life that I am genuinely proud of, it is the giant silver trophy I was awarded for my victories against this poisonous vibration.

(Okay, full disclosure, there are no trophies-- no diplomas, no stamps of promotion. Only I know what ground I have covered-- what territory I have reclaimed).

One thing I have learned is that it hates the light. HATES exposure to love and compassion-- so what is the very best thing I can do to expel it from my abdomen? Why bring it in here and share it all with you light-filled wonders.

It doesn't stand a chance. This is one of the very best things blogging has done for me, hands down.

Of course, I also spent the morning-- gently, slowly-- with no pressure-- running laundry, doing yoga-- and set up an acupuncture appointment for later today.

IMG_2542
IMG_2541

Everyone has their life fantasies--- the big ones. Mine have absolutely nothing to do with jumping out of a plane, or traveling to Borneo, or singing on stage with the Indigo Girls (although, admittedly, that would be totally cool). No my biggest, deepest life fantasy is the idea of having a steady stream of energy-- bright, flowing energy--- all the time.

I am closer to that dream than I have ever been in my life, but damn if it doesn't piss me off to wake up after a cleansing storm of a weekend--- with great blue skies, crisp, fresh breezes-- full out sunshine--- and have to struggle to find my way into my equilibrium.

Okay, okay-- I just heard and felt that last one-- my troubles are so not the speck of dirt in an insect's eye-- I know, I get it.

But the last laugh is on that nasty twist of energy that just flew out my open window-- owning it, feeling it, naming it and sharing it-- just dispelled it.

Hello, Monday.

P1250495
P1250483


Bisous, E

10 comments:

  1. Hello, Monday.
    Hello, beautiful you.
    Hello, just what I needed to read today.

    I was checking in here to see if you weathered the storm ok, and it appears you did, in more ways than one.

    Thank you for sharing your truth. It helps me today more than you can know.

    xox

    ReplyDelete
  2. I understand, honey. i really fracking understand. sending a BEAM of light your way right now xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've been through a lot of this recently for the first time in my life due to peri-men. I now understand how very unnerving, even traumatic it can be to be flopped around from one day to the next. Sometimes life can feel impossible. I'm glad you have this space and that it's helpful. The best thing (for me)is just like you said, love & compassion. I hope you have plenty. I'm sending some to you today. Breathe it in...and let it go :)
    xo
    kd

    ReplyDelete
  4. p.s
    my FIRST successful comment on your new blog! Yay.
    kd

    ReplyDelete
  5. breath..love..light..positive energy...feel it...you are well loved... sending this all your way.

    Bridgemor

    ReplyDelete
  6. BEAMING a big old lovelight for you to see by!

    ReplyDelete
  7. A friend directed me to your blog and I am loving it! I can SO relate to your post here....beautiful and please accept a heartfelt hug from one light being to another! Ciao!

    ReplyDelete
  8. bless you honey, for speaking my heart ! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  9. I am right there with you on that wish.. may it be so for us all.. sending love and light to you.

    xo
    Karen

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am going to join the above and send love and hugs too. xoxo

    ReplyDelete

thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me-- I love that you stopped by and hope something I shared was what you needed today. xo, e