For the record, I am often plagued by an irrational, voracious, horrible gut-churning sensation that whatever I do, it's not enough-- whoever I am, it's not enough--
Trust me, I am far enough along the path to know how pointless such feelings are-- how baseless and destructive they can be-- but all that 'knowing' doesn't do jack-all to release the feelings that are as deeply embedded in my gut as any awful virus can be.
This is the life of a manic-depressive, bi-polar, emotional dervish-- whatever your label of choice may be. There is no escaping its circular visitation---
As most of you know, I have spent my adult life figuring out the jedi-knight moves to inoculate myself against this genetic gift from above-- and if there is one thing in my life that I am genuinely proud of, it is the giant silver trophy I was awarded for my victories against this poisonous vibration.
(Okay, full disclosure, there are no trophies-- no diplomas, no stamps of promotion. Only I know what ground I have covered-- what territory I have reclaimed).
One thing I have learned is that it hates the light. HATES exposure to love and compassion-- so what is the very best thing I can do to expel it from my abdomen? Why bring it in here and share it all with you light-filled wonders.
It doesn't stand a chance. This is one of the very best things blogging has done for me, hands down.
Of course, I also spent the morning-- gently, slowly-- with no pressure-- running laundry, doing yoga-- and set up an acupuncture appointment for later today.
Everyone has their life fantasies--- the big ones. Mine have absolutely nothing to do with jumping out of a plane, or traveling to Borneo, or singing on stage with the Indigo Girls (although, admittedly, that would be totally cool). No my biggest, deepest life fantasy is the idea of having a steady stream of energy-- bright, flowing energy--- all the time.
I am closer to that dream than I have ever been in my life, but damn if it doesn't piss me off to wake up after a cleansing storm of a weekend--- with great blue skies, crisp, fresh breezes-- full out sunshine--- and have to struggle to find my way into my equilibrium.
Okay, okay-- I just heard and felt that last one-- my troubles are so not the speck of dirt in an insect's eye-- I know, I get it.
But the last laugh is on that nasty twist of energy that just flew out my open window-- owning it, feeling it, naming it and sharing it-- just dispelled it.