Monday, September 19

i am there

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We all know there is no there, there. And yet, I am there.

Momentarily, of course-- just a breather at a summit after a challenging climb, but I am not going on any time soon. Nope, I am settling back-- leaning against my pack-- letting the sweat cool from my brow and noshing on trail mix.

This is a plateau and I am gonna rest here for a while.

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The odd thing is I could not possibly have imagined being here-- and that is also why it feels so much like hiking a mountain and landing on the view spot-- as that sensation, too, feels both abrupt and delightful.

For all you longtime readers (and having met a few of you at the Fair Saturday night-- I guess you are out there!-- whoa-- love it-- thank you for being part of my life in whatever weird osmosis we have created here through online journaling), you know I have been in something of a process, lo these last few years.

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It has felt, particularly in the past 2-3 years as if I have been pushing, driving, navigating the north face of the mountain which kept presenting me with an expanse of sheer cliff rock--- as I felt called to manifest Squam, find my tribe, connect with my best self, create the life that resonated most deeply, most authentically with me.

It is a good journey, a happy journey. It is also grueling, painful, surprising and can make me weep with frustration.

So it was with the sweetest of awe that I found myself walking the path at Deephaven on Saturday morning-- Saturday, September 17, 2011-- and feeling the vibration of a bell-- a giant, old, deep tolling bell-- sound through my body.

Everyone was in class, sunlight poured across the lake and across the path I walked -- perfuming my steps with sun-warmed, crushed pine needles. I had the walkie-talkie radio in my hand and as I walked, I stepped into an old familiar pattern. This is my role. This is what I have done now for four years. I know exactly what needs to be done-- we have it dialed in-- I feel strong, confident and relaxed.

In that moment, I had the clearest sensation of being integrated, in alignment. A sensation I have never, ever had before. It felt precisely as if an entire chapter of my life had ended and that I was walking across the fresh white sheet of a new page. That chapter was from the time of my senior year in college until this past summer-- a fairly hefty chunk of time, to be sure.

And, in talking with Susan yesterday morning, I see so clearly how bluepoppy truly captures the beginning of the last stages of the transformation.

Walking that path, two days ago-- I was completely, totally in my body. Squam is on its feet and now simply needs steady nurturance. I have created a home for me and the dogs that meets my needs for safety, creativity & community. This morning at the dog park I was walking with another dog owner who calls me "New Hampshire"-- none of us know first names-- we all know each other by our dogs-- and he said to me, "are you an artist?-- you look all bohemian." Now, this is a guy who's got a hairstyle straight out of Eraserhead-- but you know, whatever-- I was wearing a furry, white vest and knee-high boots. And I responded-- "um, mostly I write."

And then, when he asked me what I write, do you know what came out of my mouth?

I said, "I've done all kinds of writing, but now I mostly run these workshops and work on my novel."

I know, right?

It was the oddest thing because I had never even had that thought before let alone ever said those words-- but it was the most natural thing in the world because-- that is what I do.

Go figure.

Happiness-- sneaks up on you just when you think you can't go a step further-- just when you think it's all a big flipping myth and you have been chasing windmills. You come around the bend, the trees part, and you find yourself gazing out and across the distance you have traveled. And wow, does it feel good.

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Bisous, E

P.S. After 10 days apart (where they were muchly loved up by Dave & Oliver and happily prancing about at Soliden), my dogs and I are reunited and sweetly ensconced in our wee apartment here in Provy. This photo is for AISLING-- the prettiest girl I ever did meet-- with shining eyes and a shining spirit-- I really hope I get to meet her again. She came to the fair Saturday night-- and she loves Henry and Daisy. So this goes out to her, with love and light.

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22 comments:

  1. As you explained yourself here and what you felt I kept nodding my head, this is exactly what I thought seeing you this year, what I saw in you, so that to me means you are standing firmly in YOUR truth, when your insides match your outside, does that sound weird. I am still processing Squam. I tend to be highly sensitive so I get over-stimulated pretty quickly but this year being the second I felt more moments of grounding and connecting along with the high almost floaty place that overstimulation can bring.

    much love to you and the pups..

    Karen D aka deldino ;-)

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  2. How wonderful -- it's so appropriate that you clicked into your universe at Squam. You've not only found your tribe, you've created it!

    xoxo,
    Kath

    ps the hat looks WONDERFUL!

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  3. I love these pictures of you, and agree with Kathy—you not only found it, you made it. Crossing my fingers I can come back to the tribe next year. <3

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  4. I adore you. Yes. Yes. I do.

    xoxox

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  5. I agree with all above. It is such a joy to see (hear? read?) that you are happy. It brings a smile to my face too!

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  6. I am so so very happy for you, following your journey and being apart of it has been special. SAW has impacted me profoundly, and my next steps scare me.

    XOXO,

    Mona

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  7. SHAZAM! DAMN, woman, you are gorgeous and you are a writer who is writing a novel that I for one cannot wait to read and you make shit happen. like, real, magical, out-of-body, hard-to-come-home-from shit. The words you are "in alignment, connected with your best self, authentic" are a freaking understatement in this moment. you are on FIRE. counting the days til October...absolutely LOVE breathing the same air as you do whenever I can... xo tingle champagne

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  8. Elizabeth, I am a new reader here. I've been reading silently for the last month or so, and I am so glad I've found your space here. I remember you from a photo shoot Denise (Boho Girl) blogged about a year or two ago, and I remember your Bluepoppy blog but only recently started following you along here.

    I love your spirit and your willingness to talk honestly about what you walk through these days. I also love the photos you capture. I think I'm in love with your home. Oh, and I am in love with your dogs, too. :)

    It's good to meet you. I'm genuinely happy for you and the transformation you have found.

    xoxo,
    Christianne

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  9. For a New Beginning
    by John O'Donohue
    In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
    Where your thoughts never think to wander,
    This beginning has been quietly forming,
    Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

    For a long time it has watched your desire,
    Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
    Noticing how you willed yourself on,
    Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

    It watched you play with the seduction of safety
    And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
    Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
    Wondered would you always live like this.

    Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
    And out you stepped onto new ground,
    Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
    A path of plenitude opening before you.

    Though your destination is not yet clear
    You can trust the promise of this opening;
    Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
    That is at one with your life's desire.

    Awaken your spirit to adventure;
    Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
    Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
    For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

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  10. Elizabeth!
    I was going to email you, but decided to drop by, then I found this post.
    It made all sense to me because you looked so different on Saturday when we had lunch together. You looked like you've just found yourself!
    I hope to become part of your new page for years to come. My new chapter is opening up, I can feel it too. Life is so interesting, you come to the corner of the road, and you always find a new landscape.
    Meri xoxo

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  11. Ah, now I know why that A-MAZING hug you gave me transferred so much love and energy deep into my core being ...

    No words right now, only tears. Tears of heartfelt gratitude for helping me find home within myself.

    And the tribe. Yow Momma! What an amazing rag tag, gypsy-bright, creative juicy & love pack band of sisters! mille grazie cara, mille grazie!

    xo lis

    oh, and your furry white vest? Seriously, that vest would be my comfort blankey ... as they say in Nebraska, "I gotta get me one of them vests!"

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  12. perhaps you landed in providence to channel charlotte perkins gilman and her vision of herland? hoo yeah, me likey...

    and while i'd love to get me one o' dem vests i would just look like a little furball blowing in from a corner...you, on the other hand carry it off smashingly...thank you for birthing squam art workshops...much as i fantasize about some similar venture, i'd rather not be the leader of the pack, you are a hard act to follow, sister!
    xo

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  13. So sweet that what you've created for so many has come right back to you...you deserve it and are clearly now in the sweet space to enjoy it...

    It occurred to me while driving home from my (3rd!) trip to Squam on Sunday that it has become a part of my life......like Christmas I can't really imagine a year without Squam and even though I am still bumping along my path this trip gets me closer to peace every time...thank you Elizabeth xo ~Andrea

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  14. YES!YES!YES! I saw you on Saturday. Yes I did! I love you Elizabeth. Yes I do! xoxoxox

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  15. You are glowing, you 'bohemian' you!!
    I am waiting for my bell toll ( um, perhaps not the best way to say it :) ) but gosh, I am so glad you heard/felt yours. Thanks for sharing this!! It is inspirational.

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  16. god, i just love you so much! yes, I just wrote that! because you are walking the walk and talking the talk and yes! to making this magic happen in your life and to all the women and men who come to squam. i feel like I one day want to be walking down that path with the walkie talkie and knowing everyone is nestled in wherever they need to be. I'm finding my role..slowly but surely. but damn woman you are doing it!
    xoxo

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  17. Gorgeous woman, thank you. I love you. You give me hope!

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  18. oh e. this brings me such joy. SUCH JOY. you are in the flow, baby. and i am loving it. xoxoxoxo

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  19. You make it happen, not just for yourself, but for everyone around you. Talk about amazing. Seeing that smile on your face last weekend made me SO happy for you. XOXO (and another million thanks)

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  20. i think you are amazing, elizabeth. squam was amazing, too. i feel so lucky to have been a part of it. thank you!

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  21. Elizabeth, Meeting you, attending Squam, sharing in this experience has been amazing. Thank you so much for making it all happen. Love love love, Alison

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  22. you look adorable in the shirt.. goddess you. x

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thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me-- I love that you stopped by and hope something I shared was what you needed today. xo, e