Tuesday, October 1

thank you

thank you large

A week after Henry died, Daisy and I ventured down to the river for a morning walk. We had stayed away until then because it was the last place we had all been together on his last day in Providence and I couldn’t bear to stop and sit on our favorite spot in the grass without him there.

I could say that life is a river and you gotta flow with it*, but that’s not why we went.  We went because someone had said to me (perhaps in the comments?) that for the first days after he is gone to be on the lookout for a sign from him. That was an encouraging idea plus it gave me more reason to get outside and move about.

However, before I tell you the little story (that you will never believe) that I came in to share with you, I must start by telling you how much your condolences helped me. Oh my god. They SO helped me. And they taught me something I never knew before: it helps so much to receive people’s care and concern even though nothing can be done to ease the pain.

I really never knew this.

In the past, I would always hesitate before reaching out to write to someone when they were suffering a loss — the hesitation would be “there’s nothing I can say or do, I don’t want to bother them, what use is my card/letter, etc?” I am here to tell you (as if you didn’t already know, you smarty pants) that OMG, it helps—it helped me so much. The cards and letters and packages that piled up on my doorstep made it easier to cry, made me feel less alone, made me feel the love all around me and I am forever grateful to each of you that took the time to reach out to me.

Besides soothing my heart, you taught me a huge lesson: it always matters; it is always a good idea to let someone know you see their pain and that you care. Going forward I will never hesitate to send a card or letter. Thank you for that and THANK you for loving me and loving Henry as you do.

Okay, so back to the bit of wild magic that you won’t believe but I will tell you anyway because you know me well enough to know my life is like a flipping fairy forest of twinkle lights and helpful sprites.

We head to the river. Daisy scrambles down the bank and goes for a swim.

photo(1)

I sit on the bench and stare at the spot in the grass where Henry was curled up that last day.
(directly to the right of the corner of the bench ..  do you see a bit of white paper there?)

thank you bench

There’s a scrap of trash so I reach down to pick it up when I see the words.

thank you grass
thank you large

I look around like maybe someone is playing a joke on me? We have been to that exact spot easily one hundred times and there has never been any trash on the ground and the trash has never been a scrap of paper that says “thank you.”

Even writing this to you in this moment I can feel what I felt then.
It was overwhelming. It was magic.

And that’s when I got my breath back.

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I’m still not quite myself — Taproot Squam was glorious and gorgeous and filled my heart to the brim, but as per usual at this time of the year, I am spent, flat and without any gas in the tank. The good news is—I am on HOLIDAY!

Yes, for anyone following along at home (i.e. instagram) you will see I have journeyed across the ocean to gather up with some goddesses at our old stomping ground: Glastonbury. I just got here this afternoon and am settling in--- it feels so deep, so fated—like big shifts and changes and discoveries are going to come out of this week.

And also? Many MANY languorous hot baths and long walks through the fields.
More on the other side. Love love love to YOU←!!

bisous, e

*OMG -  please know I would never say something like that because I have far too much respect for the delicacy of your gag reflex!

45 comments:

  1. Oh my, this took my breath away. What a beautiful message from Henry :).

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    1. Thank you Jillian!! It means so much to me that you share in the feeling with me. xo

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  2. oh my goodness. Amazing. The universe has this magical way of sending us little gifts when we need them most. I love, love, love this story. I got goosebumps when I was reading it. Henry will always be with you.

    Enjoy the other side of the pond. xoxo

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    1. yes Jennifer, you get it so exactly. he IS always with me. he really is. the trip was great YOU would have loved this group of women!! xo

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  3. gotta go fix the eye makeup.... love it. xoxox

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  4. I LOVE this story!!!! I hope you kept the little scrap of paper. Have an amazing time in England. I'm leaving for Scotland tomorrow! Cheers!

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    1. I did keep it-- I have to dig it out of my wallet and put it somewhere safe-- thank you for the reminder! xo, e

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    1. Ohhh, I know, right? Crazy town. Seriously.

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  6. This makes me feel better too -- even though it was a message for you, it comforts me, knowing that in the letting go, in the making of that horrible decision, right and yet so so so hard, that there is an understanding, that the big love that was always there and still is doesn't go, that it is known and held, that there is gratitude and grace. Thank you for giving me that. xo

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    1. Oh Jill, I can feel your heart from here. Wow-- you are so kind. Thank you. It was SUCH a hard decision. Awful. And yet, clearly the right one. He taught me SO much about love. he was such a gift to my life---- there is gratitude and grace, exactly. xo, e

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  7. How little we truly understand of life ... and death. It makes all the sense in the world that as much love as you poured onto Henry, that he would find a way to comfort you. (And your thoughts on how it feels to receive the wishes of solace from those who care about you is something I hope I can remember always.)

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    1. Can you believe it?? he did. He found a way to comfort me-- I think it is just the most wild thing ever. Thank you for being here with me in it. xo

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  8. I really don't have words...only awe, and of course, tears. xoxoxoxo

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    1. Oh Megs-- your presence is all I need--- xoox, e

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  9. You are never alone. All conditions are perfect. Henry wanted you to know that!
    xoxoxo Thinking of you today and so glad you are refilling your soul across the pond! Susan

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    1. You are so right. On every count-- and it WAS wonderful--- it felt destined, that trip across the pond. xo

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  10. WHOA. This story is incredible. I'm just sitting here thinking of Henry knowing so much more now than he ever did on this earth in his pup self. He's got divine wisdom and abilities now, so he can transcend language barriers that were there to you and say those words. Also, he sees the truth of who you are and were to him, and he can speak to it.

    I don't know why I've always felt such a connection to Henry. I really loved that dog. Still do.

    When you are up for it, would you be willing to share with us how Daisy is doing?

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    1. Hello Lovely--- you got it so right--- he knew me even though we didn't have language. He truly knew my spirit. Daisy is having a really tough time of it--- she is very depressed (I just put a new post up with more details) but I am hoping time will heal her. She is so hurt and confused. sending you love!1 xo

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  11. That sweet dog managed to get you a message, ah, Henry. What a love!

    Enjoy your holiday - I'm sure it will be full of magic and mysteries too! xoxo

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    1. Isn't he just a love! So wild ... and you were RIGHT the trip was all that--- magic and mystery and it felt fated-- I like I was supposed to be there. It was awesome. xox, e

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  12. don't they amaze you?

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    1. They do-- they really do. xoxo THANK you for your call the other day!! You are so kind! xoxo, e

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  13. Goosebumps!! Total magic believer here...nodding and smiling. LOVE. Henry is and always will be the King of Narnia and I think you will have many more beautiful signs from him along the way. He will always be right by you & D's side. Bon Voyage! xoxoxo Kelly Hotchkiss

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    1. the king of Narnia-- ohhh, Kelly I love that image!! sending you so much love. xo

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  14. You and Daisy and Henry have been in my heart and mind for some time now. I have no doubts about Henry's gift to you. Truly magical ... and yet ... of course!

    When I had to say goodbye to my boy (14 1/2) I knew I would be attending a Vedic fire ceremony, so I clipped a piece of fur from each of his paws. I told my husband "So he can run into his next life" because he loved to run and in the past few years, knee and hip problems prevented any running. Shyly I asked the Swami if it was okay to add fur to the fire (not sure of the protocol) and he said it was okay. Two nights later I had a dream I was on a beach and my boy was running towards he - lopping, springing, tongue hanging out - and in the dream I was thinking "I shouldn't have put him down! He is fine!" I woke crying and told my husband the dream ... he reminded me "Didn't you do a ceremony so he would be running?" Duh. In my grief, my perspective was all turned around. Yes ... they send us signs and we just have to allow some space within our grief and sadness to perceive the messages.

    Big hugs to you all! Is EVERYBODY in Glastonbury right now?! My brother once slept out under the Tor ... in a rainstorm ... yes, a pub was involved ...

    Enjoy this journey! xo

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    1. oh yes--- yes-- you understand it perfectly. thank you for sharing that beautiful story. And yes! so many spirits in Glastonbury-- it was a wonderful trip. xoxo, e

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  15. 1. WOAH
    2. Thanks for the giggle with this line "Okay, so back to the bit of wild magic that you won’t believe but I will tell you anyway because you know me well enough to know my life is like a flipping fairy forest of twinkle lights and helpful sprites." You are a.dor.a.ble.

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    1. Ohhhhh, thank you! If I made you giggle, that makes me happy-- xoxox

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  16. Thank you...thank you for the reminder that condolences matter. I too feel like I don't want to bother someone when they are in the midst of a crisis or grieving; I don't want to intrude.

    And thank you for the story of Henry's message. I never got a chance to meet him, but I got a sense from the photos of him that he was a wise, old soul. It makes perfect sense that he would find some way to get a message back to you, to thank you for the life you gave him and for helping ease his transition.

    Enjoy the trip and gather some crazy good Goddess energy!

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    1. Girl I have SO much goddess energy swirling-- can't wait to share it with you next time I see you!! xoxo

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  17. Amazing! And what strength it took to return to the favorite spot. He knew you were strong enough. Totally amazing, and moving, and just so right!

    ~ sherry

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    1. oh thank you Sherry! It was hard-- but oh, the payoff! what a total amazing surprise! sending you love, e

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    1. thank you, Terri-- sending you love--- so glad you "get it" xo, e

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  19. What a precious goodbye message from Henry! And thank you for the reminder that togetherness matters even when it can't possibly fix anything. xo

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    1. yes yes yes-- togetherness matters. always. sending you big love!!

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thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me-- I love that you stopped by and hope something I shared was what you needed today. xo, e