Friday, April 3

Om Tat Sat

Providence :: 10 may 2014

Even the emotions and thoughts that seem so personal,
so interior are really only the play of prakriti.
Thoughts, emotions and ahamkara itself stop at the
gate of the Inner Self which abides in the 

inner chamber of the heart -- always at peace --
whatever forces of prakriti may storm outside.
- Eknath Easwaren

Ever since I began reading for my yoga teacher training last January, I have found such sustenance there -- true soul nourishment that has rooted me ever more deeply into this life, into this journey.*

Never more true than in this moment as I type to you and out my window I look up at gray skies, down on streets edged with snow. First Friday of April be damned -- the Winter That Was is not about to go gently into that good night. Hence the photo above as it seems nearly impossible for me to think a month from now the streets could look like that.

Aren't you glad I came in to share with you? Well, much as I would like to spare you the dredges of my empty lunch bucket, I am showing up because I've gotten some emails and messages asking where I am at. Oh, people. If my heart weren't a frozen block of ice, your care and concern would surely warm it.

Yes. I am definitely in that icky sticky transition place. And, let's be honest. This time of year always cuts me off at the knees.

Yes, I see snowdrops peeking through dead leaves. Yes, I see the tips of daffodils and tulips poking up in fat bunches despite the rough, brown ground. No, they do not light a fire in my heart.

My camera sits cold in my pocket; inspiration has abandoned me.

last week in Newport

Which is not to say life in all its wonder and glory isn't going on around me.  It surely is.

It's just that my spirit animal right now is the rusted and cracked old radiator leaning next to my front porch where it has been lo these many weeks waiting for the junk man to come by and pick it up.

I honestly didn't even know how low my energies had dropped until Sunday morning when I arrived in Florida for Tracey's wedding and face planted on the bed.

For the next three hours, I slept the sleep of the dead. When I woke up -- soft balmy air and palm trees outside my window -- I had a bit of clarity drop in.

Damn, February. You were fucking relentless. And March? I'm not even talking to you. Seriously.

If I hadn't gotten away, gotten some perspective, I likely would not have even registered all that we lived through up here in America's next Top Tundra. Once I saw it, waves of exhaustion crashed over me and Sunday was spent solely in the kitchen and bed. Mostly in bed. With crackers and seltzer as if I was recuperating from the flu. Crazy town.

Oh frabjous day - and blessings to the power of rest, crackers and fizzy water - by Monday, I was feeling a million times better and ready to wear sunglasses and cruise up to Winter Park with the bride-to-be for some girl time and pre-wedding magic.

pictured above is Tracey at SquamItalia! and with me at Squam by the Sea :: October 2012

Tracey and I have been friends since the early days of bluepoppy when she would leave such sweet and supportive comments. We finally met in person at the first Squam in September 2008 and in the most perfect, serendipitous, wild magic ways - she has always shown up as my angel just when I needed her most.

So it was with the greatest honor imaginable that I flew down to be part of her intimate, family only wedding in an exquisite 100-year old chapel bordered by a small lake and surrounded by ancient oaks adorned with Spanish moss.


I got home Tuesday at midnight and woke up Wednesday to the first day of allegedly the cruelest month, but we all know who rightly belongs to that moniker, don't we now February?

Now it's Friday and I have much to do before the weekend arrives so I will wrap up with this: it's all good.

Om Tat Sat

Truly. How could I possibly savor the ease of days rich with sunlight, dancing dust motes and dogs sleeping with deep satisfaction after a fat, long walk through the woods if I never had the hard, challenging, stressful days to live through?

Or as Thich Nhat Hanh writes in No Mud, No Lotus,

Every life has its trials and tribulations.
We can navigate them more skillfully
when we don't waste time and energy shooting
ourselves with a second arrow--such as dwelling
on how much greener the grass in our
neighbor's yard looks, compared to ours.

Ahem. 

Hello mud! Hello dead leaves, broken branches and ever-present rusty radiator in my own damn yard! Thank you for being your fullest and best selves. Thank you for letting me be my own dead, boring, broken, muddy and altogether shambling between seasons self.

Let the rains begin!

bisous, e

*Of course, no surprise I have to work fairly consistently to wave off the voice that is disappointed in how slow I am in finding my way, that caws at me "how did it take you so long to get here?"

14 comments:

  1. Oh sweet girl!!! I follow you religiously on Instagram and have enjoyed your walking adventures and I've often wondered how you find the energy in the dead of winter to take not one, but TWO walks with your fur babies. I live in So. Indiana/Louisville, KY area and we've had a brutal winter, but nothing like New England. If I could hibernate the winter away, I would. I've found that getting outside and cleaning up some yucky winter yard debris is helpful. I'm excited to see photos of your new yard...no telling what fun surprises are waiting to bloom for you this year!

    It's been raining here for two days straight, but I keep telling myself that it's better than snow! Chin up friend...we'll get to the pretty stuff soon enough. xoxo

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    1. XOXOXOOX oh my gosh-- yes. you are so right. I know once I am out there with a rake and engaged in the clean up, I will get excited and love the smell of earth and full of plans and ideas for a GARDEN!! I have not had a perennial garden since 2005 . . . eeep. I almost can't imagine what it will be like but thank you for the reminder and your sweet words!!! the two walks a day are for them AND for me-- walking is my happy time-- I love it so. have a beautiful weekend-- ox, e

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  2. Spirit animal: rusted radiator. Haaa! I love this. :D

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    1. hey girl-- I love YOU!!! sending you happy bunny wishes for this Easter weekend--- XOXOOX

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  3. You are a perreniel creature dear friend. You need time to go brown and underground. I hope you are soon restored and ready to bust a move. ..as you do every spring!!!

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    1. ahhhhh! says the master gardner!! I will take you word for that and go underground STAT. :) big love you to you ... . hope things are cozy and fun up in the studio land .. .. :)

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  4. I love that, "No mud, no lotus." So true. You need the messy to get to the beautiful, and beautiful you are! We had a couple of days where I could wear a skirt with FLIP-FLOPS this week, and now we are hunkering down for snow on Monday. Thirty degrees this morning, yesterday was short sleeves. Geez.

    Glad to see you back here. That first photo gives us ALL something to look forward to!

    Sending love and a Happy Easter to you and yours! xoxoxoxoxxxxxxxxooooooo

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    1. oh I LOVE that-- "the first photo gave us all something to look forward to" I never thought of it that way--- totally pumped me up-- XOOXOX, e

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  5. Dear, sweet Elizabeth! You send so much of your joy out into the world that it's truly painful to hear your heart feels like a frozen block of ice. I wish I could be there to help and share some comfort and laughs on such a chilly gray day. But since I cannot, I'll suggest baking something easy and scrumptious for yourself, like an apple crisp or some scones, or heck, even cinnamon toast would be lovely. Gather some of your favorite books, light some candles or a fire in the fireplace, make yourself a hot tea or toddy, turn on some soft music, settle down between the Daisy and Oliver with a cozy throw, and enjoy the comfort of your beautiful home while the cold gray world does it's thing. Give yourself permission to be gentle with yourself for the entire weekend, at least. And tell that old disappointed voice to stick its head in the toilet. ;)

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    1. KATHY!!! oh man-- you are such a healer-- such a nurturer--- I feel better just READING this-- and yes to all of the above-- most especially staying inside and enjoying the warmth and beauty in this new space and let the cold gray outdoors just do its thing! THANKS for all this and your loving attention on my head! XOXO, e

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  6. This past winter has been pretty traumatising for me too. I went for a ginormous walk yesterday (over 5 km) and when I finally arrived back at my street, the doves were cooing. Today of course, my knees are killing me for walking that far, the weather has gone chilly, but I don't care as I have tea at hand & a blanket to wrap up in. Some seasons are slower than others & I feel that slowness in myself too. Take care! the flowers will bloom again. (and so will we!)

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    1. oh yes, Cherie-- yes to all of this-- most especially going slower and snuggling down while it is still chilly and windy! hope your knees feel better soonest-- xoo, e

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  7. I didn't realize you had started posting again! Something made me check and I almost fell over because I had to catch up! This never happens because I read your new posts almost before you write them! :) What a treat!

    In my life, over and over and over, I've shot myself with the second arrow. I'm 46 and that's a lot of arrows. When I read Thich Nhat Hanh's words I finally had a way to describe what I've been doing all of these years, but even better, I realized that while it isn't a true practice yet, I'm following more intuitive directional arrows than I am shooting sharp ones at myself. Thank you so much for sharing.

    p.s. I so get it if you want to support a person's business by paying them to haul away the radiator, but just in case you find yourself really getting tired of seeing it, freecycle is a great way to get anything you can imagine hauled away for free.

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    1. Hello Laura! oh I am so happy to be reconnected with you! yes, I am back and just like the pants outside my window-- progress is slow as we move two steps forward one back as the weather creeps into softer, more gentle temps. My next post will be hallelujah as the radiator got hauled away yesterday! boo-Yah! xo

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thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me-- I love that you stopped by and hope something I shared was what you needed today. xo, e